Friday, June 22, 2018

Mason McCray: 1 Year

One year ago Jesse and I were at the hospital preparing for one of the hardest days of our lives.  The day before I found out at 21 weeks that Mason no longer had a heartbeat.  I knew driving to the Dr. that day that he was gone but it's something you never want to believe.  You want to shove that mother's intuition to the side and hope and pray for a miracle.  We didn't get that miracle; when I sat in the room waiting for my Dr. to find the heartbeat...I tried not to cry when she sent me to ultrasound right away because she couldn't find it.  The pain I felt was have that much emotion and feel that much heartbreak for someone you had never met is something I just can't describe. 

Going through the labor process what emotionally and physically painful.  To know you have to have a baby that you don't get to take home is a terrible feeling.  When your body isn't ready to have a baby it is physically painful when they force your body to do it.  Thankfully, I had amazing nurses by the side (along with my husband).  They cried with me, held my hand, let me be mad...just simply amazing.  Holding our sweet boy for the first time was scary; he was so little but already at 21 weeks was going to be Grady's twin.  We had him wrapped in his personalized blanket with him name and they took pictures for us (not something I have looked at; I just can't do it).  We spent some quality time with him until it was time to say goodbye.  They ran every single test imaginable and everything came back normal; we don't have answers as to why we lost our boy.  Sometimes it's comforting to know there was nothing that we could have done but other times its frustrating because you want to know why. 

We talk about Mason often and even Father's Day weekend Grady wanted me to sign his name on the card to his daddy.  I wish I could have known what his personality was going to be like, if he was going to be as ornery as his brother or laid back like his daddy.  I know someday I will meet him again and I know my grandparents and mom are enjoying him in heaven.  Mason McCray Lukenbill...we miss you so much and we will see you again someday sweet boy. 

Monday, June 11, 2018

35 Weeks...

I can't believe I'm to the 35 week mark; this pregnancy has gone super slow and now seems to be speeding up!  My c-section is scheduled and that has made it super real and I feel like the days keep going faster.  We have TONS left to do but I have faith we will get it down.  If my mom were here we would have been done with everything a month ago.

I stalled when pulling baby stuff out.  I got super nervous after losing Mason and wasn't sure what to expect this pregnancy so each weekend I just put it off.  A few weeks ago we finally decided to get some things done and Easton's nursery is coming along quite nicely.  My dad and Dustin stopped over yesterday to hang a few things and Jesse is finishing up painting today.  I've gone through all of Grady's old clothes newborn to 3 months and they have all been washed and put away.  At my ultrasound (almost two weeks ago) Easton was measuring completely normal in fact at the 46%.  So he isn't big yet which I have been keeping my blood sugars in the range since I've been on medication.  I have an ultrasound and non stress test scheduled every week for the rest of my pregnancy.  The first ultrasound they measured his weight, the fluid around him, he had to move many times, and she had to double check to make sure his heart and rest of organs looked okay.  Last week, they took a quick look at the fluid, his heartbeat, and his movement.  My non stress tests are me just sitting with a monitor on to listen to his heartbeat and another monitor checking contractions.  The last two weeks have been great.

As far as how I'm feeling is just super tired.  Like really really tired.  I could use a nap most days in the morning and one in the afternoon; but I don't get to do that!  Other than that, I get up multiple times a night to go to the bathroom and I'm starting to waddle, so that's fun!  The last two weekends I cleaned the house and was in the crawl space so I've been sore (arthritis wise) but nothing a few days of rest doesn't cure. My feet tend to swell if I'm on them too long and it sometimes takes a few days for them to go back to normal. I've been lucky this pregnancy that my arthritis has been doing so well.  I know I'll get my big flare after I have Easton and my hormones have normalized but it's just something I have to live with and we will just try to be prepared.

I have another big load of laundry to do for Easton and probably one more big Target run to finish off what we will need for the first few weeks.  Having babies five years apart so much has changed in the baby department!  There are lots of new things out there that I would LOVE to try but what I have learned with Grady is you can have every item in the baby department and maybe only one will work.  So we are sticking with what we used before and purchased a new swing and we will see what works for him!  Luckily, Amazon and Target ship item super fast if we are in a pinch and need something!  We haven't bought a lot of diapers because we aren't sure what Easton is going to prefer or what is going to work.  With Grady, as a newborn, we only used Pampers until he started crawling.  It was the only diaper that he wouldn't leak from.  When he started crawling we tried Huggies again and they worked great and we used them until he was potty trained.  As far as formula, I learned this from Grady as well, we aren't buying any until we figure out what kind he's going to like/what's going to work for him.  We went through 4-5 different ones with Grady and FINALLY had to switch to soy because he had such bad reflux.  I have some sample size containers that we will try until we figure out which will work.

While in the crawl space this weekend we found all the beebees (pacifiers) and bottles so I put those through the dishwasher and they are ready to be put away.  Everything so far is in great condition, I just hope it all works for our new little guy.  My plan for the rest of this week/weekend is to get Easton's bag packed and make sure I have everything I need for the hospital and continue to organize and clean!

Baby Easton has made this pregnancy pretty easy as far as movements go.  There are times throughout the day that he kicks and moves around and every night before bed I swear he is doing somersaults.  His movements have truly been a blessing and have helped my anxiety.

Grady has been so helpful the last few weeks.  He helped me in the crawl space and has been helping put some things together in the nursery.  I think it will be a huge adjustment for him but he will be the best big brother.  He hugs my belly all the time and gives it kisses and talks to Easton as well.  I can't wait for him to meet his brother!

Thursday, May 31, 2018

3 Years Ago...

3 years ago I didn't even get the chance to tell my mom goodbye.  I was literally talking to her one minute and then she was gone.  It's a pain that I can't describe.  The anniversary of her death doesn't get easier with time; it gets harder because I think of all the things that she has missed and this last year I really needed her by my side.  I truly believe that I will see her again someday but that doesn't take away the hurt and pain of today.  I miss you much.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Mother's Day Without Mason & My Mom

Mother's Day was very emotional for me this year.  It started early the week of with myself just thinking that I should already have two kids at home; not one here, one in heaven.  I think of Mason often and wonder what his personality would have been like.  At 21 weeks, when I delivered him, he already looked so much like Grady.  Grady often says that he misses him and wishes he got to play with him; breaks my heart.  It made me reflect on the last three years and the tough times we have had.  These hard times have made my marriage stronger and my family stronger.

Jesse asked me Friday night what I wanted to do for Mother's Day and I told him nothing.  I just wasn't feeling like celebrating; I was super emotional and just sad about the day.  Saturday I woke up and decided that I do have things to celebrate.  I'm a momma to a sweet blonde hair blue eyed ornery boy and will be a mom of another boy here shortly.  So I decided that we would relax in the morning and then go to Outback for a Mother's Day lunch and just kind of spend the day together.

I woke up Sunday morning to a little boy that was so very excited to give me his presents.  He made me a hand print sun saying 'You are my sunshine' at daycare and filled out a Mother's Day card and made his hand print/foot print at school. He was so darn proud and I LOVED it.  Jesse got me the new Joanna Gaines cookbook that I wanted...we are very excited to try some recipes.  We went to Outback for lunch and ran to Buy Buy Baby to grab a few things then we headed home to relax.

Overall, it was a good Mother's Day.  It will always be a day that it hard for me because of the loss of my mom and losing a child.  But I just have to remind myself that I have a boy here and I'm so very thankful for that.  Hope all you momma's out there were spoiled and had a great day!

Friday, May 18, 2018

32 Weeks Pregnant & Life Update...

32 weeks anxiety from this pregnancy has subsided quite a bit after hitting the 24 week mark.  I've had several ultrasounds and many appointments just to keep my mind at ease and I think that has helped so much.  I've been feeling pretty good but failed my 3 hour glucose test so I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  I'm on my fourth week of tracking food and tracking my blood sugar and for the most part it is going okay. My next appointment is Tuesday and I'm pretty sure they will put me on medicine.  She was telling me at my last appointment that even if I have one number high then medicine is the next answer; I can't seem to keep my fasting number down.

I'm been feeling pretty good.  I just get tired pretty easily so I take lots of breaks especially when working around the house.  Sleeping is going okay.  The last week or so I've been having MAJOR hip pain.  I can only lay on one side for maybe an hour and then I have to switch sides; so there is a lot of  tossing and turning throughout the night.  Monday I went to the Zoo with Grady's preschool class.  Grady and I ended up walking a little over 3 miles so I've been recovering from that..LOL!  He had a great time at the zoo and it was fun to watch him interact with his classmates.
We've finally started to get baby stuff out and I'm going to start washing clothes this weekend.  Jesse is going to work on putting the crib, changing table, and dresser together and will start painting next week.  We don't have a lot to paint in Easton's room (just the trim/doors).  They scheduled my c-section at my last doctor's appointment so that makes it super real!  I was measuring at 32 weeks at my 30 week appointment (I was actually 30 weeks & 4 days).  Easton is super high so they weren't surprised that I was measuring a little bigger.  Grady was the exact same way and he came out at 7 lbs 5 oz, so right now I'm not too worried.

Baloo ended up tearing his other ACL really bad about 2 weeks ago.  He isn't walking the greatest and continues to be confined to the front room or his kennel.  We have to take him out on a leash to potty and poor guy doesn't get to play.  We have a appointment today to find out when surgery will be.  I'm hoping that after this second surgery he will be good to go.  Luckily, we haven't (previously) had any health issues with Baloo.  He's just a dog that really enjoyed jumping and playing Frisbee and that lead to him tearing his first ACL.  So no more Frisbee for him ever..which is pretty sad because he LOVES Frisbees.  But we have to do what is best for him.
Grady has been doing pretty well.  We have been working through some issues and he is doing pretty great.  A HUGE improvement from January/February.  He's excited to be a big brother and to turn five years old.  We are in the process of planning his fifth birthday party..which proves to be a little difficult.  It's hard to find something to do for five year olds in Indianola.  He is wanting to have a friend party this year so I'm trying to find something that will entertain a bunch of 5 year olds!  His theme this year is police this momma needs to start planning.  We are going to do his party in mid June before the baby comes and will celebrate with our family on his actual birthday (hopefully)...still not sure on this because we will have a new baby and a dog recovering from surgery.  Our house is going to be BUSY this summer.  Grady will be done with his in home daycare on July 3rd as he is going to stay home with me while I'm on maternity leave and then he will do after care at school in the fall.  This is going to be a change for him but make my days a lot less stressful.  Right now, I drop him off at school, leave for lunch to pick him up and drop him off at daycare, and then back to daycare after work to pick him back up.  Right now it's only 3 days a week; I can't imagine doing it 5 days!!  Easton will go to Diana's (Grady's daycare provider) as we just love her so much!

Grady's personality is in full bloom.  I LOVE to listen to him talk and listen to the things he comes up with.  He is very bossy (gets it from his momma, Meemaw, and Great Grandma Sandy).  He says the funniest things and he is so sweet sometimes...other times not so much!  But that's life with a toddler.  I told him I can't call him a toddler anymore when he turns five...he will be a big kid.  He's excited for that title.  Every night before bed he gives me a hug and a kiss and whispers in my ear, 'I love you mommy with all my heart'.  Told ya, he could be so sweet.  He can have such an attitude sometimes I want to scream and now that it's so nice outside we have a hard time getting him to come inside!  This morning he was outside playing before heading to daycare.  We are going to have a great summer with him home with me!
Grady talks about heaven A LOT.  He told me the other day that he can't wait to see his brother again some day (Mason).  We talk about his Mee-maw and how much she loved him and how much she LOVED being a grandma and of course I tell him stories about my grandparents and Bear is an everyday subject.  Grady told me last week that he wants a dog just like Beary.  We all sure do miss that pup! He told me a few weeks ago that he worries about his Beeba; he told me he didn't want him to go to heaven yet.  I have no idea what prompted this but it hurt my heart.  I hate that he worries about things; especially death.  He's too young to have these worries; I just want him to live life and be a 4.5 year old!

We are headed to the cemetery this weekend to do some decorating.  We haven't been there since the beginning of December and I hate that it's been that long. The Buckeye area got TONS or snow this year and it was so cold.  I'm excited to get it decorated and all pretty as it will be the last time I'm up there for a while. Going there is just so peaceful for me and just my way of spending time with my mom, son, and grandparents.  Grady is excited to pick out some flowers for his Meemaw and wants to get something special for his brother.  Hope you all have a great weekend!

Monday, May 7, 2018

Easton's Baby Shower...

My sister-in-law, Shelby, with the help of Jesse's Aunt and cousin, Ashley & Carla (and Emery), and my best friend from high school, Jessica, threw baby Easton a baby shower this weekend.  It was so much fun to catch up with friends and family.  We played a few games, ate some yummy food, and opened gifts.  Grady was such a big helper at the shower and looked so handsome.  Thank you everyone for coming!!  Photo dump below!!