Monday, June 29, 2015

Weekend Wrap-Up

We had a pretty busy weekend.  Like I've said before we are trying to start a new routine and a new normal and it is very difficult.  I try to keep as busy as possible because when you have time to think, the loss of my mom completely consumes me.  I notice that when I'm ready for bed I can't fall asleep right away because it is usually the only time during the day I have time to think and thoughts and memories flood my mind.  A friend of mine that I played college ball with recently lost her grandma and dad (a few weeks before my mom) so I've been reaching out to her for comfort and words to help me get through.
So this weekend was busy; Friday night we ran to Menards to get some stuff to start on our shed and then headed to Costco (Dustin and Shelby needed more lights for the wedding) where we let Grady run around and he picked out a sticker book.  We headed to Draught House 50, Jesse hadn't been there before so we wanted to take him.  While they aren't kid friendly (as in they don't even have a kids menu) we had a great time (except for the guy behind us that was using the 'F' word every two seconds) luckily Grady was too into his sticker book to hear him.  During dinner Grady decorated my dad with stickers while we all talked to keep our minds busy.

Saturday morning Grady and I got up and ran to Hy-Vee and Wal-Mart with my dad while Jesse went to the gym.  Dustin came in and we all headed to Theisens...Grady LOVES sitting on the lawn mowers and just looking around.  We headed home and Grady rode his gator for a while and then we headed home for lunch and nap time.  I went to Ashley's Bridal shower (Jesse's cousin and Grady is the ring bearer in her wedding).  It was difficult for me to go to this shower as my mom and I had been talking about it before she passed.  My mom and I had planned lots of this to do this summer so it is going to be a hard when we come to those events.  We headed to Lukenbill's after the shower to swim and eat some dinner.  It was great to see Ashley and Carla and to meet Ashley's maid of honor.  When we got home Grady went straight to bed and I headed over to my parent's house to check on my dad and just hang out with him, Dustin, and Shelby.

Sunday morning we woke up and headed back to Lukenbill's for breakfast.  We headed home early morning so that we could pick up the house and so that I could get ready to run to Des Moines to grab some last minute items for Grady's 2nd year photos.  We had lunch and I put Grady down for a nap (after Grady begged me to 'rocky' him).  I cry every time I rock him because it was something my mom always did (whenever he would let her) but I cherish the moments he does let me because I know it won't last forever.  Shelby came with me and we headed to Des Moines to do some quick shopping for pictures. I needed one more outfit and a nice collared white onesie.  Luckily, it only took a few stops before I found what I was looking for.  We got back around 4:00 pm and Jesse and I got ready while we waited for Grady to wake up.  Before we headed to pictures we ran out to Pickard Park to see Jesse's Great Aunt that was in from out of town.  It was great to see them and so glad that they got to see Grady in person.

We headed to Des Moines around 6:00 pm to meet Emily for pictures.  Grady had three outfits so we went to three different locations.  Grady did so great during the photos and Emily was so patient with him...she does a great job.  I managed to snap a few photos myself with my iPhone and I'm so glad I did.  I can't wait to see the pictures when they are done.  We got home around 8:00 pm and Grady wasn't quite ready for bed.  So I changed his diaper and ran upstairs to grab him pajamas.  While I'm upstairs I hear him yelling 'mom? mom?  I'm cold', 'okay, Grady I'll be right down with your pajamas'.  As I come down the stairs I walk into the playroom and Grady has Baloo's rug wrapped around him like a blanket because he was cold.  I was laughing so hard but was able to snap a quick picture.  My child can always put a smile on my face...and I'm so thankful for that.  Once daddy rocked Grady for a few minutes it was my turn..Grady and I talked about how proud I was of him during pictures and proceeded to remember the water under the bridge, the train, and riding his trike during pictures.  I laid him down and he went to sleep shortly after.  I headed down to see how my dad was doing once Grady went to sleep.  Scooter was at football so dad was home alone with Bear and June.  I stayed until about 10:15 pm and then headed home for bed.  
I hope you all had a great weekend.  Here's to a four day work week and a three day weekend!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Dear Mom

Dear Mom, 

It's been almost four weeks; the longest, quickest, most emotional four weeks.  I think I'm still in a haze because I don't remember much of what has happened the last four weeks; I know that I've been on autopilot .  

It still feels like a horrible dream and I'm still hoping that I will wake up soon and you will be here...I don’t want it to be real.  I'm still reliving May 31st and it keeps playing over and over in my head and I can still see it so clearly...everything that happened. I'll never forget when they uttered the words I never wanted to here, “we tried everything we could.”  I felt my heart shatter as I heard them, as it wasn’t expected.  You can fix a heart I kept telling myself…you can fix a heart; there’s heart surgery, pace makers, so much technology to fix hearts.  YOU CAN FIX A HEART!!!! This pain that I’m feeling hurts.

I'm wondering what could have been done differently but also remind myself that the outcome may have been different but you would have been a different person.  Having to go through major heart surgery and major recovery would have been something that you wouldn't have handled well.  You always needed to be doing something and liked to keep sitting in a hospital wouldn't have been you.  

I think about how much you loved Grady and all of us kids and it hurts that you are gone.  I replay the words you said to me when we were in the ER, 'if anything happens make sure you tell Grady I love him.'  I was mad that you said that...that you thought something might happen. Looking back I know that you were scared and I'm sad that I didn't realize that until later. 

It’s hurts that you won’t physically be here to watch Grady grow up.  It hurts that he is asking where his ‘mee-maw’ is.  It breaks my heart to see my child confused and wondering what is going on.  We talk about you often and he says 'grandma heaven' and I tell him 'yes you are in heaven and that we will see you again.'

I miss you so much mom.  I’ll miss laughing with you so hard that we cried or that one of us would pee our pants.  I’ll miss talking to you everyday.  I’ll miss your honesty and opinions (even when at times I didn’t want to hear it).  I’ll miss sending you pictures of Grady every day.  I’ll miss sitting in the hot tub just talking.  I’ll miss sitting by the fire with you.  I’ll miss going to movies with you or watching softball with you.  I’ll miss just doing things that we did together all the time.   Mom I miss you and I love you.  I didn’t expect this to happen and I’m so sad.  I’m so thankful that I gave you a hug and a kiss shortly before.  I’m so thankful that I got to see you everyday and that we only lived two houses apart.  I'm so happy that are my mom.
I love you mom and I'll see you again some day.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Father's Day

We had a pretty good Father's Day.  Sunday morning I slept in while Jesse got up and played with Grady for a while (I know it was his Father's Day but I was SUPER tired).

We headed to my in-laws around 11:00 am for breakfast pizza and a little relaxation.  They just returned from Disney World Saturday so they were still recouping.  We headed home around 1:30 pm to put Grady down for a nap and so that Jesse and I could watch a movie - American Sniper. We saw it in theater but wanted to see it again.  It's such a great movie.
looking at pictures with grandma
I headed to my parents house around 3:30 pm to help get stuff ready to grill.  We grilled our famous jalapeno poppers, potatoes on the grill, and we fixed some hamburgers/hot dogs.  I still can't get used to the fact that my mom wasn't there...we tried to make the most of it but know that each holiday going forward is going to be tough.  We all went in on gifts together for my dad and he got a heart rock to put by the Buckeye tree, a few roosters, and a cross necklace with a dog tag.  My dad threw his old cross in with my mom's urn when we were at the cemetery, he wanted her to have it, and since then he has said that he wanted to get a new one.  Ashlyn and Scooter went to have it personalized and my dad absolutely loved it.
I had also purchased a selfie stick a few weeks ago but it was for a camera and not a phone.  Scoot and Ashlyn headed to Wal-Mart to get one for my phone so we had to test it out on Sunday.  We had a lot of fun with it!   If you don't have a selfie stick...I recommend getting one!
Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there.  A special shout out to my dad, who does so much for us.  We appreciate it; thank you for being a great Bee-Ba to Grady and Dad to all of us kids..we love you lots! My father-in-law Steve who has always helped us but thank you for being there for our family these last few weeks.  You are a great Papa to all of your grandkids and a great Dad.  And to Jesse...thank you for being a great Dad to Grady (Gene Gene).  He loves you so much and so do I! 

Monday, June 22, 2015

Grady - 23 months

I can't believe my baby boy is going to be 2 years old in a few short weeks.  I know I'm a little behind on his 23 month update but here it is.
Grady is like a sponge right now.  Anything that we say, he repeats.  So I've been having a lot of talks with my dad and brothers about their language and how they need to watch it especially around Grady.  Grady started saying 'dammit' a few months ago.  He would say it occasionally and we would correct him and tell him to say 'darn it' or Jesse's favorite 'rats'.  Well, for some reason this Sunday he decided that he needed to say 'dammit' A LOT!  We correct him and tell him to use the other alternatives and he will but 'dammit' still usually comes out.
I also think we may be hitting the terrible twos.  Grady's babysitter, Diana, and I have talked about it these last three weeks and we are thinking that it is a combination of almost being two and losing my mom.  I know that he knows something is wrong and often asks where my mom is.  I'm wondering if he shows his grief by throwing toys and telling anyone and everyone 'No'.  I know that consistency is the key to toddlers and I know the last three weeks nothing has been consistent with the exception of nap time.
If he falls down or gets hurt he usually gets really embarrassed, doesn't want you to touch him, and starts throwing the toy that he got hurt on.  He definitely has a temper!  He is great at giving hugs, kisses, and saying 'lub you' (love you).

Grady really loves to climb and jump on anything.  We went to bike night last Friday and he got to jump in one of the inflatables....he absolutely LOVED it and threw a fit when he was done!  He still loves tractors and LOVES to play with his water table outside.  Every night when we get home he wants to go see Bee-Ba and ride his 'Gator'.  He doesn't like to go inside EVER (it's going to be a long HOT summer)!

He still continues to LOVE fruit; his favorites are blueberries, strawberries, and 'cano' (cantaloupe), he also likes chocolate milk, fruit snacks, and cheese. Jesse and I have a hard time getting him to eat any meat except he really likes smoked pork chops.  He tends to eat well at daycare so we don't push it too much at home.

I bought Grady a Radio Flyer trike about a month or so ago and he rides it all the time.  I've showed him how to pedal and he has always refused to do so until this last Saturday.  We headed down to my parent's house and he just started pedaling...I couldn't believe it!

Gene Gene, I love you so much.  Being a mom is the hardest most challenging, but most rewarding thing I've ever done. I'm so blessed that you are my son.  I love you to the moon!

Friday, June 19, 2015

It's Friday

I'm glad it's Friday....the last two weeks (since I've been back to work) have gone very quickly.  Being at work has put me back into my routine and has helped me not think about things.  I think I'm starting to come out of the haze and realize that this is reality and it has happened....I lost my mom.  Sometimes when I say those four words I can do it without a blink of an eye and other times I can't even get it out.  I've been trying to establish a new normal and new routine but at times I find it difficult.

My body is starting to realize that I've been very stressed the last few weeks and my arthritis is really starting to flare.  I'm now to the point today where typing this is very difficult, strapping Grady into his car seat and trying to get him out is a chore, and even just getting out of bed is hard.  I'm going to my rheumatologist to get a cortisone shot and some meds to help with the pain.  I was also up throwing up and now have a horrible sore throat.  I think it's just my body's way of telling me to slow down..but if I slow down then I think and relive May 31st and I don't like reliving that day.

Grady seems to be doing okay.  I was talking with Diana (his babysitter) and we've noticed a few changes in him.  I know that he is almost two and could be starting the terrible twos but his emotions have been up and down A LOT since my mom passed.  I think that he is dealing with it in his own way but no quite understanding.  Kids are a lot smarter than what we give them credit.  Before my mom passed away I would put Grady to bed every night (sometimes my mom would come over and rock him) and I didn't rock him I usually swayed back and forth standing up with him for a few minutes and then I would lay him down.  Since I was up late most night the first week after my mom passed (getting things ready for the funeral) Jesse was in charge of putting him to bed.  Jesse knew the routine but Grady insisted that Jesse rock him before bed.  And now every night we have to rock him to bed (something my mom LOVED to do).  I think this is his way of remembering her.  I show him her picture daily and ask who she is (sometimes it's mee-maw and sometimes it's grandma) and I also remind him that she is in heaven.  So now in the morning on the way to daycare he says, 'grandma heaven'.
I know that I will have good days and bad days and that life will take over at some point and the pain of losing my mom will be tolerable; but right now it still hurts and is still painful.  Someone posted a saying on Facebook the other night that I love: 

"Mom, why do the best people die so soon?"
"When you're in a garden, which flowers do you pick first?"
"The most beautiful ones"

I hope you all have a great weekend, be safe, and tell your loved ones that you love them...because you never know when your time is up.  

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Why Can't This Be A Nightmare?

I've always been one to not hold back on my feelings or opinions but what I'm going through now sometimes I just can't get the right words out. Thank you to my readers who are allowing me to say what I feel, it feels good to get it out.    
I'm back at work and while I like having the routine I'm finding it very hard to concentrate.  I find myself reliving May 31st over and over in my head wondering if something else could have been done sooner.  I'm asking the why questions.  Why did this happen?  Why didn't we know about it sooner?  Why didn't the Dr.'s act concerned? Why did the angiogram go okay and now she's gone?

I seem to do okay during the day but when I get home at night is when it really hits me.  I talked to my mom every night when I got home.  She would call and we would talk for a few minutes and then I would head down the street with Grady to go talk to her some more.  After we left her house she would then call me before I went to bed to make sure Grady was asleep.  We would text back and forth while watching our favorite shows or just text to see what the other was doing.  My mom was my best friend.

I find myself in a daze sometimes and have to pinch myself because I think that I'm in a nightmare...that this isn't real.  Sometimes I pick up my phone to call my mom and suddenly realize that there is no one on the other end to pick up.  I walked down to my mom and dad's house the other day and almost yelled for my mom.  It hurts when I get slapped back into reality and realize that I don't get to do these things anymore. My heart aches to hear her voice again and to see the smile on her face everyday when she got to see Grady.  My heart hurts that she doesn't get to watch Scooter start his senior year of high school, to watch him play football, to watch him graduate.  I'm sad for Dustin that she won't be there for his wedding. I'm sad for my dad and worry about him, I don't want him to be alone and I'm terrified of losing him.

It breaks my heart every time Grady asks for his 'mee-maw' or 'grandma'. He wanted to give her a hug the other night.  It hurts to know that she won't be here physically to see him grow up.  He asked where she was again this morning and I told him that she is in heaven.  He replied, 'Grandma, heaven?'  Yes baby boy, Grandma is in heaven.  It hurts every time I have to tell him that.  I want Grady to see her everyday not just hear memories of her and see pictures.

I miss you mom and love you so much.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I Lost My Mom

I lost my mom on May 31, 2015 at 8:55 am.  These last 9 days have been hell.  I feel empty and hurt and sad and I'm angry that my mom was taken from me so soon; that I didn't have a chance to say good-bye; that I had no warning that I wouldn't be talking to her again.  I'm angry that my dad and I watched her crash right in front of us and there was nothing that we could do.  It was just like the movies...people pushing you out and shutting the doors, except that it was real and scary and there was no commercial, it was real life and it hurts so bad.
I miss you and love you so much mom.