Thursday, August 27, 2015

Truth Is....

I'm struggling.  This is really hard and I'm not sure how to get through it.  I seem to do okay for a few days and then a bad day will happen and it will completely consume me.  Losing my mom isn't just emotionally draining but I'm bearing physical pain with it as well, which doesn't make it any easier.  My rheumatoid arthritis is out of control to the point that this morning I could barely get out of bed, I was scared to stand up thinking that I couldn't hold myself up, scared to pick up my son because I don't want to fall down the stairs with him.  I met with my rheumatologist a few weeks ago and we are trying new medicines but nothing is a quick fix.  Prednisone makes me crazy and I need such high dose to help with the pain, I just don't want to take it anymore and I think you can only get so many cortisone shots.  My RA feeds off stress and needless to say I'm stressed.

Sometimes I just need to vent...It used to be my mom that I would vent to, but now it is going to have to be my readers.  Hope you don't mind!

Monday, August 24, 2015

August Wedding Weekend Recap

A few weeks ago we headed to Minnesota for a wedding.  My dad, Grady, and I got up early Friday morning to go drop June and Baloo off so we could board them. When we got back I started packing up our rental van (with DVD player, Grady was WAY excited) and then we headed to Eden Prairie.  The ride up there Grady did fairly well.  We stopped about halfway through to go to the bathroom and so Grady could get out and walk a little bit.  The DVD player helped a lot and we watched Frozen and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  We got to our hotel around 3:30 pm and decided to head over to the Eden Prairie mall so I could get something to wear for the rehearsal dinner and so that Grady could play in the kids play area.  Grady had so much fun and definitely didn't want to leave.  We headed to our rehearsal dinner cruise (we were late) but had a great time; Jesse ended up going out so Grady and I headed back to the hotel to get some sleep.  I put Grady down in his pack n' play (which we have never had any issues with and he has always slept well in it) but he was screaming bloody murder and shaking like he was scared.  So I put him in bed with me and then put him back in his pack n' play around midnight.  Well, he woke up at 5:00 am screaming and shaking again, so I put him in bed with us and he ended up laying down for about 20 minutes and then was up for the day.
someone got to 'drive' the boat!
So Grady and I finally got up around 7:00 am and went to the lobby to have some breakfast and to watch Disney Jr (we didn't have that station in our room).  My dad and brothers came to the wedding as well, so we called Bee-ba so we could see Bear (he is a service dog now) and head to the pool.  Grady and Bear ended up playing in the courtyard area for a while and then we didn't stay at the pool too long because it was too deep for Grady to stand on his own.  We headed back to the mall around 10:30 am so we could wear Grady out for an early nap.  We did a little shopping, Grady did some playing and even rode a train around mall...HE LOVED IT!
Jesse, Grady, and I headed back to the hotel around noon so that Grady could get in a good nap.  I ended up taking a nap with him but of course he was up within 2 hours.  We got ready and headed to the wedding venue around 3:15 (late again)!  We got Grady in the pictures and had a few family pictures then it was time for the wedding.  Grady and I stood inside until it was his turn to walk down the aisle.  He started to walk, stopped and looked around for a while, turned and ran the opposite way, and then I ended up helping him walk down the aisle.  His surprise at the end was a sucker.  He colored and we walked around during the ceremony and I listened and watched as I could.  Dinner came and once that was over Scooter and Ashlyn took Grady on a walk to try to keep him entertained.  We ended up leaving around 9:30 pm and of course Grady had to sleep in bed with us.  
We got up early Saturday morning and headed out around 10:00 pm.  Grady didn't do as well on the way home and wanted to get out several times.  So we stopped at Cabelas, ate lunch and let Grady run around and then he finally fell asleep on the way home.  It was a fun but exhausting weekend!
Hope you all have a great week!

Monday, August 17, 2015

Having A Bad Monday

I can't believe how fast these last few months have gone.  I haven't blogged in a few weeks because life has been so busy; between raising a toddler, busy family weekends, and work, I haven't had a lot of time.  I like to be busy right now because then I don't have time to think about what has happened and how I feel.  When I do have a moment in time to where I have nothing else going on, my mom's death hits me like a tons of bricks..and it still hurts like hell.

I'm having a hard time accepting that she is really gone.  There have been many times when I have picked up the phone to call her and that hurts when I come to realize that I can't.  I've also walked in my parents house a few times and almost called out her name....I'm sad that I can't hear her answer, I'm mad that she was taken from us so quickly, and I get angry when I see other people with their moms.  I know life isn't fair...but I'm jealous that some people still have their moms.  I do truly believe that I will see her again one day but that just isn't giving me enough comfort right now.  I'm praying that time with hopefully help.  I don't know that I will ever heal from this but I hope that I can learn to live with it.

I got to see and spend some time with a close family friend this weekend.  She took care of my grandpa when he was sick and her and her family have been there for us for a very long time.  I became very close to her and consider her one of my best friends.  I feel that even if I don't talk to her for a while she is still there and we start where we left off.  I got to spend a few hours with her and I'm so thankful for that.  She is one of few people that I can 100% be myself, I can tell her anything and she will not judge, and she completely gets me.  I'm happy I have a person like this in my life...someone that I know I can call whenever and she will be there for me.  I'm close to my brothers but you my brothers don't understand everything that I'm going through and sometimes I just want to hang out with someone that is just like me. We were having a conversation about us not seeing each other as much as we would like.  I told her that we need to stop making excuses and just plan never know when your time is up.  Take advantage of time you have with the people you love...don't make excuses.

I hope you all have a great week...I'm hoping my Tuesday looks better than Monday.