Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget that she is gone.  I forget about that night and morning and all the details, it feels like a dream.  Sometimes I feel like she is still here and I should be able to pick up the phone and call her or walk into the house and talk to her.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that my mom is gone and it takes my breath away and a stab to the heart.  When these moments happen it's hard to come back to reality.  When reality finally hits my mind replays every...little...detail and that hurts, a lot.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Happy Friday!

The last two days I have had good days.  I'm feeling better (physically) which always helps.  We head to East tonight for football and my dad got me a bracelet with Scooter's # and football on it (I love it).
I swear Grady has grown up so much this last week.  The other night I got home around 7:00 pm and he ran and gave me a big hug and then talked the rest of the night...NON STOP!  We were headed to Diana's (his babysitter) the other morning and he yelled 'Mommy, GO TO HELL!'  I turned around and said 'excuse me?'.  'GO TO HELL MOM!   I stopped at the stop sign and told him we don't say that and thinking to myself what a horrible parent I when did I tell someone to 'go to hell?' Then he proceeded to say it again and then pointed at the hill we were about to go up.  Turns out he was telling me to 'Go up the hill!'  Laughable moment and a good story to tell about later!  I can have full on conversations with him now and he can remember things about the prior day/week/month and will bring things up periodically...I love it!  
Baloo's 4th brithday was Thursday so we sang to him, loved on him, and got him a few presents. He is so spoiled but we consider him a child.  I can't believe that we have had him almost four years, crazy how fast time flies.
I have a bridal shower tomorrow, IA vs IA State football game, and I need to get out my fall stuff, my favorite time of year.

I hope you all have a great weekend!  Enjoy the fall weather!

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Grief Never Ends...

I saw this on Facebook this morning and it completely hit me.  I feel like it will never end but I pray that someday I will be able to accept the fact that my mom is gone.
I've dealt with death in my life to people I was very close with but in those instances I knew death was the end result.  I had time to prepare myself and start the grieving process.  I had my chance to say good-bye and I think that helped me through.  I've never experienced the kind of pain that I felt/feel since I've lost my mom.  At times it is so unbearable I don't even know how to get out of bed.  Sometimes I feel that she isn't really gone that I should be able to walk into my parents house and she would be sitting there on the couch.  There are times I really have to sit and tell myself that she isn't here and those days and really hard.

I miss my mom A LOT.  I have two brothers, who I love and they are always supportive, but they aren't girls.  They don't want to do girly things or go shopping or just go to a movie.  They are boys who like to hunt and watch football.  My mom was my mom but also my best friend and the sister I never had.  I did everything with her and we had so much fun together.  Her and I could laugh until we peed our pants and I could talk to her about anything.  I have people in my life that I'm very close to but no one can compare to my mom and it's really hard to lose someone like that.

I wish there was a timeline to say 'hey, these are the steps of grief and it will take this long to get through them and when you are done you won't cry everyday and your heart won't hurt.  You'll be okay.'  If only grief worked that way..I hope that I can get to a place of acceptance some day.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Grady Update - 26 Months

I can't believe that Grady is going to be 26 months old in a few short weeks.  This summer has flown by and I can't believe how much he is growing and learning. I think I always have a story to share about Grady because he is so full of life and ALL BOY!  He is ornery, silly, rambunctious, and busy...and I wouldn't want it any other way.
He is still becoming very independent and wants to do everything on his own. He has to use a fork and spoon at dinner, not just one, he HAS to HAVE BOTH!  Most of the time he won't let me help him so food is everywhere, Baloo LOVES dinner time.  We've been having issues lately getting Grady to actually sit down and eat dinner.  He would much rather be playing outside or playing with his tractors.  He does great at daycare eating but he also thinks that he should be able to just eat candy and suckers at home.  We go over the same thing every night.  'I want a sucker', no Grady, you have to eat dinner.  He then proceeds to throw a fit and grab a bar stool to try to get to the candy.

We have a little step stool in the kitchen that I use to reach things that are to high for a short girl; Grady now calls it his ladder and grabs it to get into the cabinets to get a 'nack' (snack) or to get a drink out of the fridge.  He is so busy some days it is hard to keep up.  When we do get him to sit down to eat he always has to have some sort of dip and everything is 'ranch' to him (when he says ranch he has to scrunch up his's too cute).  He still loves fruit and will eat that before anything else.  He does pretty good with vegetables but trying him to get him to eat meat is a challenge still.
So I had my first mortifying moment as a mom Sunday night.  Sunday afternoon, Jesse, Grady, and I went to a Cubs game (my work bought everyone tickets).  We knew we wouldn't be there to long because game time was 1:08 pm (which is Grady's nap time).  During the game he did great and ate some lunch and watched some of the game. The only melt down we had was when we had to leave.  We got home around 4:00 pm and my dad and I had to head to Osceola to go to a visitation.  I ended up taking Grady with us because I didn't want him to take a nap that late in the day.  He was doing great looking for tractors on the way but when we got to the visitation he didn't want to sit still.  So he and I sat in the hallway for a little bit while my dad stood in line.  I was sitting on some couches with Grady when all of a sudden he took of running, towards the front of the room where the flowers and the open casket was.  So my first thought is he is going to knock over all the flowers.  Well that didn't' happen but he did go behind the casket and was 'hiding' and wouldn't come out for what felt like 10 minutes.  I finally got him out from behind the casket and of course everyone is laughing.  I was so mortified and embarrassed.  So after that happened we were out of there.

He still loves to ride his 4-wheeler and loves to be outside to play.  So most nights we sit outside and watch him ride his 4-wheeler, these last few weeks have been beautiful.  He does a great job when we ask him to put him 4-wheeler 'night night'.  He backs it right into the garage and puts it where it needs to be charged.  When we are playing inside he likes to line up his toys and then he tells us that they are 'chargin' (charging).  He cracks me up!  If he drops something or something breaks he immediately says 'oh dear'.  It is so funny, I laugh every time.
I still LOVES tractors, Mickey Mouse, and most recently Lego Duplos.  I got into the crawl space this last weekend and found an old box from when I was a kid.  Grady LOVES them and there is a train in there that he can't get enough of.  I love playing Legos with brings me back to my childhood and memories of my Grandpa and Grandma Berndt building with me for hours.  When it is time to change into his pajamas or to take a bath he can usually get off his socks and pants.  The other morning he wanted to put some shorts on by himself.  Well, he put both legs in one side and was trying to walk, he thought he was so funny.
Every once in a while we will go to football practice and Grady will ride the gator with my dad.  He absolutely loves it and sits down with his cup and candy and rides around to refill water or to pick up.  I think my dad might enjoy it as much as him!  We were at my parents house the other day and Grady was sitting on my dad's lap getting ready for bed when all of a sudden he yells 'grandma'.  We all looked at each other like what is he talking about.  Then he pointed to the picture of my mom we have in the living room and pointed and said 'that's my grandma'.  I'm so thankful that he still remembers her and we talk about her often to him but it still kills me every time.

He continues to help me through this difficult time and I can't thank God enough that I have such an amazing son.  He may be all boy most of the time but he has such a tender heart and knows when I'm hurting.  Sometimes he will just come to give me a hug or kiss.  He brings a smile to my face everyday and I'm so thankful for that.
I love you Gene Gene...don't grow up to fast!