Thursday, December 31, 2015

Holidays Without My Mom

As the New Year approaches it makes me reflect on 2015 and all that has happened.  It's been a hell of a year and I'm glad it's almost over.  Thanksgiving and Christmas seemed to fly by and to be honest I didn't have time to think about the fact that my mom wasn't there; which was kind of a blessing but now that every thing has settled it is all that I think about.  I had a rough day at work yesterday because all I could think about was how much I missed my mom, how much I miss talking to her, and I thought about all the stuff she has missed these last seven months.  It's heartbreaking to me to realize that she has already been gone seven months and she has missed so much and will miss a lot in the year to come.

Scooter started his senior year this fall and he will graduate in May.  It's hard for me to believe that he is a senior and how my mom isn't here for this.  I have a lot to do for his party and to get ready for graduation and I know that my brother and dad will help but it isn't the same as having your mom here to help you.  I feel bad that he is going through these big milestones without my mom.

We still talk about my mom a lot with Grady because I never want him to forget her and I want him to remember how much she loved him.  I have the time hop app on my phone that shows pictures and videos that I've posted through the past years.  I love it but when pictures of my mom show up it hurts.

There are a lot of positives coming in the next year.  Jesse, Grady, and I are headed to Key West in a few weeks to stay with my in-laws.  I'm very excited to get away and decompress for a week (Grady is very excited to ride on the 'hair plane').  Jesse's cousin Chris gets married in May, Scooter graduates in May, and I'm planning a trip to Alaska to visit my aunt and uncle.

I hope you all have a fun and safe New Year.

Friday, December 18, 2015

6 Months

We hit the 6 month mark a few weeks ago of my mom's death.  After someone passes I feel like you are always waiting for the next death milestone to occur.  When she first passed it was the first day, the first week, the first month, first Thanksgiving, now we hit the 6 month mark and we are coming up on the first Christmas.  These are milestones I don't look forward to, actually ones I dread.  It's not fun to think of the future without my mom, it's actually heartbreaking and very painful.
What finally made my mom's death real was the fact that her headstone was finally set.  We went to Buckeye this last weekend and decorated her grave and it was awful.  Don't get me wrong her stone is beautiful but it was very hard for me to decorate her grave.  It made it real and all of those emotions came flooding back and it was really hard.  I do a pretty good job during the week of hiding my emotions because we are so busy with a toddler...so I find it pretty easy to do.
After my mom's death my arthritis was severely out of control; I could barely get out of bed, I wasn't sleeping, and overall I would say depressed.  I went to my rheumatologist so that we could get a plan together and so she could give me something to help me sleep.  About two months ago she wouldn't give me anything else to help me sleep because she wants me to see a therapist.  I have nothing against therapist's but I prefer to keep my emotions in than talk about them.  It's easier for me to have control over my emotions because then I can decide when it's okay to cry, okay to angry, sad, mad, depressed.  So if you haven't guessed it yet, I haven't seen a therapist.  
My sleeping had been better for a while but now I'm getting back to the point where I'm getting flashbacks of the hospital and my mom's death and I'm not going to sleep until after midnight most nights.  Which makes mornings come to quick and me not feeling rested...EVER!  I'm hoping that I can get back on track soon but some days are just really hard.  I'm thankful that I got my mom for 29 years but wish I could have had 29 more.  

I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the first Christmas without my mom. I know it will be difficult but I'm thankful that I have a busy excited toddler to keep my mind off of things.  I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.  

Friday, December 11, 2015

Mommy, Don't Leave Me

I hear 'Mommy, don't leave me' a few times a week and it started a few months ago.  I'm not sure how much Grady remembers from my mom's death or how he is processing it.   I'm also not sure if other toddlers say the same thing and if it just a phase.  I don't want him to think that I'm going to leave him like my mom left us.  She was here one minute and literally gone the next.  I'm having a hard time processing everything that has happened so I can't imagine what my toddler is going through.  I constantly show him pictures of my mom and we talk about her often...I want him to remember her always and know that she loved him so much.  

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It started a few months ago when we were at home.  Grady and I were playing and out of no where he stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eye and said, 'mommy, don't leave me'.  I stopped and looked at him and told him I wouldn't leave him.  He usually doesn't cry when I leave him but at least once I week when I drop him off at daycare he will run and give me a hug and say ' don't leave me'.  It breaks my heart, every.single.time.  A few weeks ago when I dropped him off at my in-laws he did the same thing.  I try to explain that I will be back to pick him up and that he will have a fun time playing.

Yesterday morning on the way to Grandma and Papa's he told me he didn't want me to leave him.  I explained that I was going to go to work and when I got done I would pick him up.  He replied, 'I play with my toys and you pick me up?'

Last week he brought it up again when we were building with his duplos.  He stopped building and said to me 'mommy don't leave me'.  Again, I told him I wouldn't and he said 'but you left me at Dinana's (Diana's the babysitter)'.  It startled me when he said this and also hurt my heart.  I responded to him by saying that yes I do drop him off an Diana's but I always come back to get him.  That answer seemed to keep him satisfied for the time being.

I'm not sure if other parents have experienced it but it hurts when your toddler says that to you.  Makes me teary eyed every time.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Thanksgiving 2015

We had two Thanksgiving's this year; we had our lunch Thanksgiving at my in-laws and then a dinner Thanksgiving at my parent's house. We ate way too much food at both places but had a relaxing day.  It was an emotional weekend with our first major holiday without my mom but also the fact the my 30th birthday was a week later.

Grady and I got up early on Thursday and headed to my parent's house to get a few things done before we went to my in-laws.  Grady helped make a few cheesecakes and loved to lick the beaters!!  He looked very handsome in his tie sweater!

We headed to my in-laws around 11:30 am to have lunch and relax and Grady got to play with his cousins for a couple of hours. Grady and I headed home for a nap around 1:30 pm and then went o my parent's at 4:30 pm for our dinner.  Grady had fun running around the house and 'pretending' to sleep on the stairs; he even got a call from Santa on the iPad.  He is such a ham.
I was able to keep my emotions in check for most of the day.  It was a busy day so I was glad for that but it was really hard to sit at the kitchen table without her.  I know holiday's and special events will be difficult for quite some time but you just can't prepare yourself for them. 
Overall a pretty relaxing long weekend which was great.  I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!