Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Road Trip To Minnesota

This last weekend we headed to Minnesota for a bridal shower (Jesse's cousin Chris is getting married in May).  So on Friday we loaded up our rented van with a DVD player, all of our stuff, and the dog and headed to Minnesota.  Grady and Baloo did great on the ride up and we stopped a few times to let Baloo potty and to grab some dinner.  We got to Matt and Ashley's around ten and basically moved in for a few days.
making Izzy pretty
where's Grady?
helping Ashley walk Izzy
Saturday morning we woke up had breakfast and let Grady play for a while.  Then headed out for a quick walk with the dogs and then to the library so Grady could play (they had a HUGE playground underneath the library with slides, tunnels, etc).  We were there for almost two hours and Grady was wiped out!  We then headed to lunch and then back to Ashley's to put Grady down for a nap and to start decorating for Brittany's bridal shower (Brittany is Chris's soon to be wife)!  We decorate while Grady slept and the party started at 5:00 pm.  Brittany had a great turnout and Grady was the entertainment for the night.  As we went around the room we all introduced ourselves and how we knew Brittany.  When it was my turn I introduced myself and then Aunt Carla said 'mom of Grady' and as Grady was laying on the floor in the middle of the room playing he immediately says, 'mommy of me'; he didn't miss a beat and had everyone laughing (he's quite the character).  Grady continued to do great throughout the shower and played and was polite.  I had a few people come up to me and tell me how well behaved he was and how he was using his please and thank yous.  They couldn't' believe how well spoken he was and how he would say 'hi' to everyone.  I was very proud of him and think that Jesse and I might be doing something right!!  Everyone left around nine, then the guys came back to help get Ashley's house put back together. Grady finally went to bed around 11:30 pm.  
giving Uncle Tom a hug

Sunday morning we woke up, had breakfast, and stopped by Carla and Tom's for a bit and then headed to see Chris and Brittany's new house.  We headed home around 12:30 pm, stopped for lunch, and finally got home around 6:00 pm.  Grady talked most of the way home until we got near the Buckeye exit and then finally took about and hour nap (along with Baloo and I).  Grady told us  that he had to go see his Bee-ba when we got home so right after we unloaded the van he headed down the street to see his Bee-bone (he either calls him Bee-ba or Bee-bone).  We had dinner with my dad, brother, and Shelby and Grady finally went down around 8:30 pm.

I told Grady I would give him a quarter if he put the mustache on!

We had a great weekend and wish we lived closer to the Wolf family so we could see them more often.  A few times this weekend made me sad because the relationship that Ashley has with her mom is very similar to the one that I had with mom.  I talked to my mom everyday (sometimes multiple times), saw my mom almost everyday, spent lots of time with her shopping, movies, cleaning, etc and it's very hard to see someone else having that relationship with their mom that you used to have.  I told Ashley this weekend after she got done talking with her mom that she was lucky (she agreed).  What I would give to have my mom back, to have one more conversation with her; oh mom, how I miss you so much it hurts.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Unexpected Moments

I read an article a few weeks ago that pertained to grief and how every month on that day you lost your loved one you expect to have a bad day and expect to think about the loved one that you lost.  It's the days that you don't expect are the hard ones.  It went on to explain how those unexpected days are the hardest because you aren't expecting them.

I've gotten accustomed to the days that I'm going about my business as usual and all of a sudden a song comes on, a pictures pops up, or something random jobs your memory.  And you immediately start crying and you feel like you've been punched in the gut and you can't breathe.  Those are the unexpected really hard days.  Days that you can barely keep it together in your office and you are hoping that your boss doesn't walk in during your moment to see why the hell you are crying uncontrollably in the middle of the day.  This has happened to me quite often these last eight months and it doesn't get any easier.  It happens randomly and sometimes you are at home where you completely lose it or you are at a checkout and can barely pay and get out in time.  It sucks and it hurts like hell.  It's frustrating because I like to have control and this grieving process is giving me no control of my emotions.  I find myself watching moms and their daughters when I'm out and about and missing those times.  I will NEVER get to have those moments with my mom again and it hurts to think about.  Sure, I have family and friends that I can go to for support but no one will ever be able to give me what my mom could and it isn't fair that she is gone.  Sometimes I feel broken and that I'm not myself.  I have felt myself change the moment I lost my mom...I lost a part of myself that I don't think I will ever get back.

I really just miss my mom.  

Monday, February 1, 2016

Key West

I haven't posted in a while and I don't like that it has been so long.  A week ago we were in sunny Key West enjoying a vacation that my in-laws invited us on.  They invited us a few months ago and decided it would be nice to get away for a week and just relax.  So Thursday the 21st of January my dad dropped Jesse, Grady, and I off at the airport at 5:30 am.  It was a very early morning and we had a few tantrums before making it through security but we made it! (warning: photo dumb below!!)

Grady did great on the first plane ride that was about 2 hours long.  He was fascinated with the sounds, looking out he window, and he loved to play on his iPad while we flew.  Once we landed in Charlotte we had a three hour layover.  He grabbed his Paw Patrol luggage and had to push it through the airport.  Good thing he is so cute because he was holding up traffic a lot of the time!
I was nervous about his layover because I wasn't sure what I could do to keep Grady entertained.  We managed by having a picnic lunch, playing with some new toys, and walking around.  We finally got to board our second flight and by the time we were in the air Grady was asleep.  I had to wake him up when we landed in Key West.  He was very excited to see his Grandma and Papa at the airport.
When we landed in Key West I got a text from Scooter that Bear was in surgery.  We left Baloo with my dad, Bear, and June for the week and we weren't gone two hours before Bear and Baloo got in a horrible fight.  Bear had Baloo by the neck and my dad tried to pull Bear away and Baloo bit his lip (basically off).  While my Dad was trying to separate the two he got knocked down to the ground and Baloo accidentally bit my dad in the forearm and elbow.  He said blood was every where.  Bear and Baloo both went to the vet while my dad went to the Dr.  Baloo ended up being okay with just an open bite mark on his neck but Bear had to be put under so they could stitch him up.  My Dad had to get a some antibiotics and has been sore for the last week.  So needless to say, Baloo was boarded at the vet clinic for the week and him and Bear won't be playing together ever again.  They have fought before but nothing this severe and scary.  Bear doesn't have much patience for Baloo and is very territorial of my parent's house. The vet said if my dad wouldn't have pulled Bear off Baloo probably would have been killed because of where Bear had a hold of him.  We are thankful that they are both okay.  Just to be clear neither of the dogs have bitten anyone besides each other and are both very gentle with Grady.  They are just both males and they both want to be dominant so they cannot be together.

The rest of our time in Key West was spent eating lots of sea food, going to a Butterfly Garden (Grady loved), riding a train (Grady LOVED), going to the Aquarium, and going to the beach (Grady's favorite).  We had a great time just relaxing and enjoying some family time together.  Grady's favorite day was beach day.  When he woke up that morning he said, 'it's beach day'.  He had so much fun running from the waves and building sand castles in the sand (which is would sometimes call snow).
I had a chance to really spend some great quality time with my son and I so wish that I could stay home with him but it just isn't something we can afford.  So I really do cherish the one on one non hurried time.  I thought a lot about my mom and how difficult the last eight months have been.  I thought about where I'm at in the grieving process and really not sure where that is.  I think I'm angry but sometimes I just put what has happened so far back in my mind to try to block it out and not think about it.  Death is very hard, and confusing, and frustrating.  I wish you could follow certain steps and then once you are done following those steps you have grieved and that is it.  Yes, you will still have bad days but you have processed it and that part is over.

After a week of being away from home we were excited to get back home and sleep in our own beds.  But we did have a great time and we were very excited to see the sunshine and to feel the warmth of Key West.