Easter was another difficult holiday to get through without my mom but I prepared myself for it and tried not to think of it throughout the day. By the end of the day I was mentally exhausted but I was glad that I could be in the moment and spend time with my family and focus on Grady and how much fun he had. I broke down later Sunday night and my arthritis is starting to flare again but I know that it will pass...hopefully soon.
I'm sure that people think that this isn't the way that I should grieve but this is what I can do to get through the days. I miss my mom so much that some days it physically hurts and some days I don't know if I will make it through the day. I'm doing what I know and can do and we have several more 'events' coming up. My mom's birthday is in two weeks, followed by my grandma's two weeks after that. Scooter's graduation party will be May 14th and his actual graduation ceremony will be the following weekend and the big one year anniversary of my mom's death will round out May. I can't begin to explain the anxiety I have for each of these events and hope that I can get through them the best as possible.
I hope that one day I can be at peace with the death of my mom or at least be able to move on. It continues to be a struggle each day as I want to call her and talk to her and tell her stories of Grady that I know would make her laugh. I'm mad that I was shorted and lost my mom so young, I'm mad that Grady has to continue to grow up without one of his grandma's, and I'm mad that my mom will now with her to see her future grandchildren (no I am not pregnant but someday I will be).