Tuesday, May 31, 2016

In Loving Memory: One Year

Yesterday marked one year since my mom has been gone.  It was a difficult day as every second of that night/day came flooding back.  I can remember every second, minute, hour of the last moment's I spent with my mom.  So last night we grilled out at my parents house and lit wishing lanterns in memory of my mom.  It was a nice way to remember my mom and I think it is something we will do in the future.  Grady LOVED it and thought they were so cool.  Below are some pictures of the lanterns.

Monday, May 30, 2016

1 Year Ago

It's been one year since I last talked to my mom.  I still remember everything that happened as it is burned into my brain. I wish those 'memories' would go away but I now they'll be with me forever. 

This has been the hardest most difficult year of my life.  Somedays are okay and I make it through but others days are unbearable.  There are times when it physically hurts to even get out of bed.  Somedays I can make it through the entire day without crying but somedays it will come out of no where and hits me like a ton of bricks.  Some nights I can't sleep; I will stay awake until the wee hours just thinking about my mom and re-living the last moments of her life.

I miss my mom every single day.  I miss talking to to her on the phone, texting her throughout the day, and just talking to her about Grady and life.  I miss laughing until we peed our pants, I miss going to movies with her, I miss traveling to Buckeye with her, I miss decorating with her, and I miss her being with Grady.  She was an amazing Mee-maw and she doted on him all the time.  I'm angry that He doesn't get to grow up with her in his life.  It isn't fair and it's so hard to explain to him where she is and why she isn't coming back.  It literally breaks my heart.

I've experienced death in life but nothing like this; the death of my grandparents was hard but it was expected because they had cancer.  I knew with them that there was an end in sight and that I would be saying good-bye at some point.  With my mom I had no warning; the Dr's seemed sure that she was going to be okay. 

They say time will heal your pain but it hasn't healed mine yet.  I'm not sure that it ever will; I just hope that i can have more good days than bad.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Grady Update: Almost 3

I seriously cannot believe that I'm planning my little guys 3rd birthday.  I'm still in shock that he is almost three.  He has grown up so much and turning into a little boy and is no longer a baby.  It makes this mommy's heart hurt to know that he is growing so fast.
We've still continued to try and potty train Grady but he still has no interest.  He will sit on the potty but doesn't ever go.  He did sit on the potty and went a little bit on March 23rd.  I had told him if he went potty I would buy him a tractor.  So of course after he went a little bit he immediately wanted to go to Theisens and get a tractor.  We ask him constantly and he just doesn't care.  So we will continue to work on and hopefully here in the near future he will want to start potting on the potty so that he can go to school in the fall.
He's doing great sleeping in his big boy bed and we are almost done with his room.  It's been a long process but we are hoping to be finished in the next few weeks.  He's to the point where he will turn on his CD player and just play in his room for a while, which is great when I'm cleaning upstairs or taking a shower.  He LOVES to listen to music and dance and jump around, I love it!!  We went to a wedding last weekend and he tore it up on the dance floor; it was so cute to watch him!
The other day our babysitter, Diana, posted something on Facebook where she asked her four year old questions and she would answer them.  So I did this with Grady and I'm hoping to do it every year.  Some of these answers are so funny and frankly I think they will vary depending on what mood he is in.
- What is your name? Charles Lukenbill (his name is actually Grady Eugene Charles Lukenbill but when you ask for his full name is will only tell you Charles Lukenbill)
- How old are you? 3 (he'll be three in July)
- When is your birthday? July
- How old is daddy? 4
- How old is mommy? 4
- What's your favorite color? orange
- What's your favorite food? pasta
- What's your best friend? Bee-bone (his Bee-ba)
- What's your favorite show? Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
- What's your favorite movie? Toy Story
- What's your favorite song? 'watch me watch me, oh watch me watch me' (Whip & Nae Nae)
- What's your favorite animal? sheep
- What's are you scared of? My sound machine
- What makes you happy? drawing and painting
He continues to make us laugh every day and is just the funniest kid I know.  There is never a dull moment in our house and he knows he's funny and will just do funny things now.  Anytime he farts or makes a fart noise he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world and of course we can't help but laugh too.
Some of my favorite things his has said the last few months include:
- 'is that boast (supposed) to go there?'
- the other day on the way to daycare Grady says, 'mommy, I want to go shopping with you'.  I have no idea why and I asked him why he wanted to go shopping but he would never answer.
- the other morning he said, 'mommy, what's your favorite color?' 'pink'.
- A few months ago Baloo threw up on the floor and Grady came running and said 'mommy, daddy, Baloo barked (barfed)!!' It was so funny and he continues to call it 'bark' instead of barf.
- On the way to Buckeye today Grady told my dad and I that 'beary was his best friend'.
- 'kid, your killing me today'
- 'your killing me smalls'
- he LOVES to vacuum and every where we go he is always asking if there is a vacuum there.
A few weeks ago Jesse's Aunt and Uncle came through town on their way to Kansas and went to lunch with my in-laws and Grady.  He was sitting by Uncle Tom and very seriously asked, 'how many vacuums do you have?'  Uncle Tom was kind of thrown and had to think about it for a while and answered with 4 vacuums.  Grady continued to talk to Uncle Tom about vacuums and finally asked 'do you have a Kirby?' (my dad recently got a Kirby vacuum and Grady LOVES it).  I think Tom wasn't sure what a Kirby was but they continued to talk about vacuums for the rest of lunch!
We still continue to work on manners to make sure he says please and thank you.  He uses excuse me, table manners, and we've been working on saying 'no thank you'.  Grady LOVES to wash he hands and either gets his ladder or a bar stool out to go to the sink to wash his hands.

He eats any kind of fruit but really like blue berries, strawberries, and watermelon but he will eat any kind of fruit.  He also really likes pasta (especially mac and cheese).  He other favorites include: cottage cheese, string cheese, apple sauce, yogurt, and anything with ketchup.  We have had a hard time getting him to eat any meat so we try to push other proteins.  I'm hoping he will grow out of it and will eat more meat when he gets older.  When he is at daycare he does a pretty good job eating and gets a wide variety of food, which is great!

He CANNOT wait until his birthday and has been adding lots to his birthday list.  I keep asking what he wants and he gives me the same answer every time.  He is having a John Deere theme this year and I'm so excited to plan it for him since i didn't really do much last year because of my mom's death.

We still talk about my mom all the time and show him pictures and he will bring her up every once in a while without prompting.  I know he misses her a lot and I hope that I can help him remember her for as long as I live.

I can't believe in about six weeks I will have a three year old.  I can't believe how fast time goes.  We are so proud of our little guy and love him so much!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Scooter Graduated!!

Sunday was the big day for my little brother, he officially graduated and has a signed diploma to show for it!  Surprisingly, I did very well at the ceremony and kept my shit together but it was after graduation was done and my dad and I were at Hy-Vee when I lost it in the bathroom.  Luckyily I was able to pull myself together and make it through the rest of the day.

Graduation was held at Blake Fieldhouse at the middle school so we headed over there around 11:45 am so that we could get a spot.  I brought the iPad, snacks, drinks, blankets, and a bee-bee to keep Grady entertained for three hours.  Let me tell you my kid did great!  He had a few outbursts and he whispers like he's in a saw mill but that's him.  He laid on the floor for a while, dropped my phone and cracked the screen, ate snacks, drank water, and walked around in the hallway with Bee-ba.  There are pictures in the hallway of eighth graders on the last day of school and I'm in one of them.  Grady was able to pick me out and came bursting through the doors screaming, 'mommy, I saw you in a picture!'  After the ceremony we took lots of pictures, told Scoot how proud of him we are, and then headed home to grill out.

Scooter did great and I'm so proud of him.  He still hasn't decided if he wants to go to college but he does have a full time job at a collision center here in town that he is really enjoying.  I'm happy that he is out of high school and he doesn't have to deal with that drama.  It was a great day but also sad because my mom wasn't there.  However, Monday morning I saw two cardinals as I was driving.  Sometimes I just need little reminders to know that she is still with me.

WARNING: picture overload below!
Grady had to jump into the picture!