Thursday, January 26, 2017


They come and go randomly and usually hit me when I least expect it.  These flashbacks are horrible reminders of the death of my mom and the events that occurred that night.  As much as I try to forget I can't and they are just reminders of my reality.
This past week I've been experiencing a lot of bad dreams and flashbacks from my mom's last night with us.  This morning, while at work I had a very vivid flashback to the ER when I was sitting in there with my mom.  When these happen it hits me like a ton of bricks.  It starts somewhere in the ER and always ends with the same result.  I can see EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. and it's scary and hard and it makes me hurt even more.  

I'm not sure how to get rid of these flashbacks...I hate reliving that night and morning.  They put me in a terrible mood and I lose my patience with my son, my husband, my dad, my brothers...everyone.  I miss my mom so much and I wish she was here.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

2016 Christmas

Oh Christmas this year was so much fun.  Grady is at such a fun age to really enjoy Christmas and I loved seeing the sparkle in his eye.  We continued our Christmas Eve tradition and went to church with my dad for the candle light service.  It's my favorite service of the year and I love when they turn out the lights and all you see is the candle's beautiful.  After church we went back to my dad's and had soup and bread bowls and I may have had too many Crown Apple and Diet Cream Sodas!!  Grady got to open one gift from Grandpa Berndt's cousin and a gift from Jesse and I.  He received a tent and sleeping bag from our cousin and was so excited to play in it.  He also had to sleep in the sleeping bag and did for a few weeks!   WARNING: PICTURE OVERLOAD!!
making cookies for Santa

Daddy testing out the sleeping bag

Christmas morning I was up at 7:30 am waiting on my little to wake up.  Jesse and I watched some TV and drank coffee.  Finally, at 8:30 am I yelled for Grady and told him it was Christmas morning.  All I heard from him was, 'Oh, God!!' and he jumped down from his bed and ran down the stairs. It was so much to see the joy and excitement in his eyes...I just loved it!  He got way too many gifts from mommy and daddy but has enjoyed all of them (except for the one we had to return).  I ended up going back to bed as I had a UTI.  I got a few more hours of sleep and felt a little better and headed to my dad's to make sure everything was ready over there.
Baloo enjoying his Christmas presents
New John Deere sweatshirt
Christmas PJ's

Grady got a John Deere engine from Santa...however it was broken so Santa left us a Target receipt to return it.  Grady decided to pick a few things out from Toys R Us to replace his engine
New John Deere jammies

My brothers showed up around 3:00 pm so we could open gifts before we ate dinner.  My dad invited my grandparents to come up and watch us open so we had a full house this year.  Grady was spoiled ROTTEN and got tons of toys...most of what he put on his list.  We had my dad's famous brikset that all of us kids really like and tons of sweets.  My grandparents left and we ended up playing Pie Face with Grady for a little bit, then we played Speak Out (which was the funniest game ever, I haven't laughed that hard since my mom has been gone), and then we played Cards Against Humanity which was pretty funny.  Christmas was different this year but we are kind of making it our own and starting new traditions.  My mom was definitely missed a lot this year. 

we all LOVED the cardinal wrapping paper

poor Beary

New combine that he has wanted for the last year!!
We finally headed home around 10 pm as we were exhausted from a fun busy day!  Christmas 2016 is one for the books full of amazing memories and lots of fun!