Friday, June 30, 2017

Devastated

I haven't been blogging in a while just because I had been busy and tired.  I'm going through a very difficult time and I've found that if I write about it, it helps me greive.  I don't expect people to understand or even to comment on my posts, this is something for me, to help me get through this and to find a new normal.

Last Wednesday, June 21st we received some devasating news...we lost our precious son at 21 weeks.    I had a major arthritis flare up on Monday and took some prednisone and went about my day.  Tuesday came around and I thought that I hadn't felt Mason (baby#2) move since Sunday night but didn't think too much about it.  Wednesday morning came around and some maternal instinct came through and I knew something was wrong.  I called the Dr. and they told me that it isn't abnormal not to feel him kick at 21 weeks but to come on in and they would check things over just to ease my mind.

When the Dr. put the doppler on my stomach and she couldn't find a heartbeat I knew what was happening.  She got me into see the ultrasound tech as soon as possible and my worst fears were confirmed...no  heartbeat.  It isn't something that you can really prepare yourself for.  It's instant heartache and pain knowing that you have lost a child and also knowing that you have to in fact deliver this child....knowing the end result isn't what you expected.

I miss you so much Mason McCray...I only hope that I will see you again some day.  I love you sweet boy.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Momma's Boy

My almost 4 year old has been the biggest mommy's boy the last few weeks.  Normally, Jesse would say he always has been but he has noticed that it has become even more so than normal.  I think a lot has to do with the fact that he had been sick with the start of pneumonia and also I think he knows that things will change when his brother comes along.
my poor sweet boy resting with mommy when he had pneumonia
I'm trying to enjoy these one on one moments that I get with him because I know once his brothers arrives we won't have as many opportunities like we do now.  Every night before bed we all go into our room and Grady gets to watch a show; he calls this 'nuggle' (snuggle) time.  I think it's his favorite time of day.  He is also giving extra hugs and kisses and just always checking in to see what everyone is doing. 

I love this boy so much...I hope our second is as sweet as Grady!