Friday, June 30, 2017

Devastated

I haven't been blogging in a while just because I had been busy and tired.  I'm going through a very difficult time and I've found that if I write about it, it helps me greive.  I don't expect people to understand or even to comment on my posts, this is something for me, to help me get through this and to find a new normal.

Last Wednesday, June 21st we received some devasating news...we lost our precious son at 21 weeks.    I had a major arthritis flare up on Monday and took some prednisone and went about my day.  Tuesday came around and I thought that I hadn't felt Mason (baby#2) move since Sunday night but didn't think too much about it.  Wednesday morning came around and some maternal instinct came through and I knew something was wrong.  I called the Dr. and they told me that it isn't abnormal not to feel him kick at 21 weeks but to come on in and they would check things over just to ease my mind.

When the Dr. put the doppler on my stomach and she couldn't find a heartbeat I knew what was happening.  She got me into see the ultrasound tech as soon as possible and my worst fears were confirmed...no  heartbeat.  It isn't something that you can really prepare yourself for.  It's instant heartache and pain knowing that you have lost a child and also knowing that you have to in fact deliver this child....knowing the end result isn't what you expected.

I miss you so much Mason McCray...I only hope that I will see you again some day.  I love you sweet boy.