Tuesday, July 25, 2017

No Answers

It's been a little over a month since we lost Mason.  Right after I delivered Jesse and I decided that we wanted all the tests done to figure out what went wrong.  They did an autopsy, sent the placenta to have it checked, genetic testing, and they ran a bunch of tests with many vials of blood they took from me.  The Dr.'s and nurses warned us ahead of time that we might not find out what happened.  Fast forward to many weeks later and we have gotten all the test back...everything is has come back normal.

I have mixed emotions about this.  In one instance I'm happy that nothing was wrong with our sweet boy but I'm also frustrated/angry/mad that there was no reason for this to happen.  It's comforting to know that if we are graced to have another child in the future that that pregnancy should be normal but I'm just angry that I should still be pregnant.  It's hard when I know so many other women that are pregnant and that are due around the same time I was.  I'm happy for them but sad that we had to bury our child.  Some days are just really hard and getting numerous phone calls last week with all my test results made it a hard week.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Not Just A Dog

Last night we had to make the difficult decision to put our beloved Australian Shepherd, Bear, down. A few weeks ago we took him to the vet because he was very pale and was breathing very hard.  We had some test done and found out that he had contracted an auto immune disease that attacked his platelets.  They put him on prednisone and my dad has been taking him out every Friday to check his levels.  He has been doing pretty well but yesterday afternoon he took a turn for the worse.  He couldn't get up on his own so I carried him to the truck so we could take him to the vet.  When we got there she couldn't get any blood out of his leg so she was finally able to get some from his neck; she tested his blood and he hardly had any platelets left.  Dad and I both knew the decision that we had to make but it was one of the hardest we have made.  Grady was at the vet office with us so we all sat with Bear and told him good-bye.  We told him to go to heaven and say 'Hi' to my mom and Mason.

A dog is not just a pet; they become part of your family.  Bear was my brother and he was the first dog that I ever loved like a brother.  We took him everywhere and he was loved by everyone, even my Grandma Berndt, and she wasn't really a dog person.  Dogs bring so much happiness to your life and I can't imagine living life without one.  They teach you patience, unconditional love, and how to care for someone else.  They are excited overtime you get home and always wiggle their butts and kiss you even if you've only been gone a few minutes.

Bear had a very gentle soul and LOVED Grady and was so patient with him.  He helped my dad when my dad got hurt at work, laid with my grandma when she was so sick she couldn't get out of bed, and was there for us when my mom passed away.  As a pup, he was so silly and loved to run around and always wanted to play ball outside.  In the winter when it would snow he would jump after the snow when we were scooping.  He loved the water hose and LOVED to run in the sprinkler.  If you took him outside on his leash he would always grab the leash from you and 'walk' himself.   He always had a little puppy in him and would run around really fast and do a quick spin, even at 10 years old.  He is a dog that will NEVER be replaced.  Oh Bear Boy, I miss you so much.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Happy 4th Birthday Grady Eugene!!

Ahhhhh, the sweet boy of ours is officially FOUR YEARS OLD!!  I simply cannot believe it.  Being a mommy to my boy has been the best thing I've ever done.  Don't get me wrong, it's hard but it's so amazing.  I'm so glad God chose me to be his mommy!  Happy 4th Birthday Grady Eugene Charles Lukenbill...you've made our lives so much better and I can't imagine what life would be without you. I hope you enjoy your day!  Love you to the moon!!

Monday, July 10, 2017

Thank You

I just wanted to stop and say, 'Thank you' to everyone who has called, texted, emailed, sent cards, flowers, commented on a Facebook post, and instant messaged me/Jesse.  We truly appreciate it and while I didn't/haven't responded to many I just wanted to stop and say 'Thank you'.

It's still difficult and fresh and while I know it will take some time knowing that people care and often ask how I am is a great reminder that I'm not alone.

Friday, July 7, 2017

And She Loved A Little Boy Very Very Much - ...

'Even more than she loved herself.'  I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful child.  A child that has helped me so much the last two years; overcome some of the toughest/hardest/most emotional moments of my life.  As most of you know, I lost my mom two years ago.  I'm not sure I could've made it through that time without my son, Grady.  He helped me smile on my darkest days and I didn't have a choice but to take care of him.  The last few weeks he has helped me grieve the loss of his brother, Mason.  He still continues to make me smile on my dark days and I continue to care for him.  He hugs me when I'm crying or upset and always wants to know what's wrong.  He often tells me that he misses his brother and his Mee-Maw and just doesn't understand why they can't come down from Heaven to play with him.

I truly think I'm the luckiest to have such a sweet and caring boy.  To my sweet boys, one here and one in heaven, I love you both so much; more than you'll ever know.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Mason McCray Lukenbill

Mason McCray entered the world at 7:09 pm on June 22nd; he weighed 12.5 oz and was 10.5 inches long.   We started the labor process at 7:00 pm Wednesday June 21st and I delivered Mason 24 hours later.  It's an experience I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through; I don't think I've ever been in so much physical and emotional pain at the same time.  It's gut wrenching knowing that you have to go through the labor process but you know the end result is no good...I don't get to take home our baby.  

Mason came out looking just like his big brother, Grady.  I think he was going to be the spitting image of him, he already had his nose, lips, and chin.  I miss knowing that Grady won't get to be the big brother he was so excited to be; I was looking forward to watching him be a big brother.  He was going to be the best!  That isn't to say that we won't try to have more children but Grady will be older and I LOVE the age he is at right now.  

I miss you and love you Mason McCray.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

A Feeling Of Emptiness.

I feel like a part of my heart broke when we lost Mason.  Somedays are fine and I can make it through but the other days are hard.  I often think about him and what his life would have been like.  Sometimes I go to rub my belly and realize that there is nothing in there to rub.  It's frustrating/heartbreaking that I was pregnant one day and the next I wasn't and I didn't have a baby to bring home.  I often think, 'what if he could've make it a few more weeks?  would he have survived?'...I hate thinking of 'what if's'.

One of my baby apps went off on today telling me that I should be in my 23 week of pregnancy and Mason would have been the size of a grapefruit.  I think I have finally gone through all of my apps/emails to tell them to stop reminding me of these moments.

I try to be strong for my husband and Grady but some days are very difficult.  Grady is having a hard time understanding what is going on but I have a hard time explaining everything to Grady without completely losing it.  Grady has an understanding of heaven from the loss of my mom and he learned about Heaven in school too; but I think because he didn't actually get to see Mason he still has this sense that he will eventually be here.  I know this will take time but the beginning process of grieving truly sucks.