Saturday, July 1, 2017

A Feeling Of Emptiness.

I feel like a part of my heart broke when we lost Mason.  Somedays are fine and I can make it through but the other days are hard.  I often think about him and what his life would have been like.  Sometimes I go to rub my belly and realize that there is nothing in there to rub.  It's frustrating/heartbreaking that I was pregnant one day and the next I wasn't and I didn't have a baby to bring home.  I often think, 'what if he could've make it a few more weeks?  would he have survived?'...I hate thinking of 'what if's'.

One of my baby apps went off on today telling me that I should be in my 23 week of pregnancy and Mason would have been the size of a grapefruit.  I think I have finally gone through all of my apps/emails to tell them to stop reminding me of these moments.

I try to be strong for my husband and Grady but some days are very difficult.  Grady is having a hard time understanding what is going on but I have a hard time explaining everything to Grady without completely losing it.  Grady has an understanding of heaven from the loss of my mom and he learned about Heaven in school too; but I think because he didn't actually get to see Mason he still has this sense that he will eventually be here.  I know this will take time but the beginning process of grieving truly sucks.